Heaven Knows Results

A minister dies and is in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy in sunglasses, a loud shirt and jeans. The guy ahead of him says, “I’m Joseph O’Neill, taxi-driver in Noo Yawk City.” Saint Peter smiles and says. “Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom.”

Next in line is a minister. He steps up to Saint Peter, stands erect and booms out, “I am Michael Snow, pastor of Saint Mary’s for the last 43 years.” Saint Peter consults his list. After a moment he says, “Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter.”

“Just a minute!” says the minister, a bit shocked. “That man ahead of me was a taxi-driver – and he was given a silken robe and golden staff! How can this be?” Saint Peter says, “Up here, we work by results. While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed.”

The Tardy Bagpiper

A bagpiper was asked to play a graveside service for a man who had no family or friends. He got lost and finally arrived at the funeral site an hour late.

Rushing in, he spotted a backhoe and a crew of men eating lunch, but the hearse was nowhere in sight. Feeling guilty, he assured the workers that this was the proper thing to do and gathered them around as he poured his heart and soul into his performance. Many of the workers began to weep. When done, the bagpipe player overheard one of the workers say, “Man, I never seen nothin’ like that before and I’ve been puttin’ in septic tanks for 20 years!”